Incompetence!! 2

[Intro – Spoken]

At last... The hour of darkness is upon us. The kingdoms shall tremble. The heavens shall burn. And all shall kneel before my might.

Now... Where are my generals?

Oh, for heaven's sake.

[Verse 1]

I summoned forth my legions, I gathered every beast. I gave them one instruction: "Do not wake the ancient priest."

I left them with a kingdom, A fortress and a throne. Returned to find the fortress gone, The kingdom overthrown.

My ogres lost the treasure, My goblins lost the map. My necromancer raised the dead, They marched against us instead.

The dragon burned the village, The village was our own. And someone fed the royal griffin All the horses and the throne.

[Pre-Chorus]

I've bargained with the demons, I've conquered kings and men. But never in a thousand years Have I seen such fools again.

[Chorus]

I'm surrounded by incompetence! A curse upon my name! I've summoned hell and conquered death, Yet nothing stays the same!

I'm surrounded by incompetence! What wretched fate is this? I'd rather face a thousand heroes Than endure another miss!

[Verse 2]

I sent my finest assassins To silence one young knight. They challenged him to single combat, And taught him how to fight.

My spies returned with nothing, My scouts had lost their way. One found the enemy's secret camp, Then asked if he could stay.

The castle gates were sealed with Steel, The walls stood ten miles high. Yet someone left the drawbridge down and waved the troops right by.

I had a thousand arrows made, A thousand bows prepared. My archers fired them all at once... At the banners that I shared.

[Pre-Chorus]

There's foolishness in every rank, In every cursed brigade. I fear my greatest enemy Is the mess my servants made.

[Chorus]

I'm surrounded by incompetence! A plague upon my reign! I could enslave the gods themselves, Yet cannot train my brainless chain!

I'm surrounded by incompetence! A most peculiar curse! My enemies are troublesome, But my own troops are worse!

[Verse 3]

I summoned forth a demon From the depths below the earth. It took three days to bind it, And a fortune for its worth.

I gave it one small order: "Destroy the northern wall." It ate my royal messenger, Then wandered through the hall.

My warlocks brewed a potion, A most forbidden brew. I asked for everlasting life, They made the horses blue.

My knights were sent to capture The princess and the crown. They brought me back a dancing bear And claimed they'd tracked her down.

I asked them where the princess was. They said, "We let her go." Apparently she seemed quite nice, And had a lovely bow.

[Pre-Chorus]

Oh, I have faced the righteous, I've crushed the pure and brave. But what good is world dominion When your servants cannot behave?

[Chorus]

I'm surrounded by incompetence! The Land has their Opinions! I hold the fate of kingdoms, Yet can't command these Minions!

I'm surrounded by incompetence! I swear upon my crown, If one more fool should lose my keys, I'll burn this fortress down!

[Bridge – Spoken, then building]

Perhaps I should be grateful.

They are loyal - Mostly.

They are brave - Occasionally.

They are useful...

Well.

Let us not be unreasonable.

I told them: "Guard the treasure."

They sold it.

I told them: "Keep the prisoner."

They freed him.

I told them: "Do not touch the cursed artifact."

They married it.

...

Married it?!?

There are limits to evil! There are limits to pain! But apparently there's no limit To the fools within my domain!

[Verse 4]

I dreamed of endless glory, Of empires at my feet. Of heroes crushed beneath my heel, Of victory complete.

I'd rule the seven kingdoms, Command the stars above. I'd make the gods remember me, And teach the world to fear my love.

But now I spend my evenings Searching through the hall, For someone who remembers Where they put the sacred orb.

My crown is slightly crooked, My patience wearing thin. The greatest threat to my dominion Is the idiots within.

[Final Chorus]

I'm surrounded by incompetence! A tragedy divine! The stars themselves are mocking me, The fault is somehow mine!

I'm surrounded by incompetence! No victory can compare! I've conquered every kingdom, But I cannot conquer despair!

Bring forth the heroes! Bring forth the kings! Bring every mighty warrior And all their sacred things!

I'll face them all with open arms, I'll make the heavens fall!

JUST KEEP MY OWN DAMN FOOLS AWAY FROM THE THRONE ROOM WALL!

[Outro – Spoken]

I wanted to rule the world.

I truly did.

But first...

I must find someone Who can successfully Open a door.

...

Without destroying the castle.

Female vocals, clear sound, electro swing music, medium beat, upbeat, comedic